Eurotrip.

Oh, to be in Europe in the late springtime. I never have been, but I fantasize about it. Yes, folks, it’s that time of year again – Eurovision. It’s the most magical time of year. Better than Christmas, better than Halloween, better than when a new Harry Potter book comes out. I honestly feel that my parents deprived me of two things in my life, and one of those things is being European and therefore able to participate in the Eurovision contest. The other thing, well, we’ll get to that eventually.

The thing about Eurovision is that, in Europe, they seem to mostly care about the “talented” participants. They’re the kinds of people who would win American Idol, if they were American. Those people are boring. I really don’t care about the ballads and the radio-friendly potential dance hits. Yeah, I like Abba and I think it’s great that they won in 1974. But I wouldn’t have voted for them. In my opinion, which is really what matters here, the best winner to date is Lordi in 2006
. You all know Lordi. It was big news when they won, because Lordi is a Finnish metal band with potentially Christian leanings. They kind of dress like Gwar, although I don’t think they would make potential band members die to join the band.

My favorite all-time entrant into the Eurovision contest is the second place winner from last year, from the Ukraine.

I have no idea what this is. I know that it’s from the Ukraine, and it’s from 2007, and that it’s awesome. I don’t know if the singer is a man or a woman or an alien, what the song is about, or why I like it. Well, I think I like it because of those sunglasses and the back up dancers. And I think it has to do with dancing. That’s really all I’ve been able to glean from the all too many times I’ve watched it.

My choice for this year was the Pirates of the Sea, Latvia’s contestant. People who know me would expect that, because I’m a pirate person, I like them because of the pirate thing. But those people would be wrong.

I challenge anyone to find a reason in that video for me to not like it. Just so you know, there isn’t one. I also suggest checking out their YouTube channel. You’ll thank me, I’m sure.

Every year, there’s one fun act and the rest are what you’d probably expect. The music is notoriously middle-of-the-road pop. But then there’s the stage shows and costumes. If you think Lordi takes the cake, you would be wrong.

This group isn’t actually from ancient Greece as interpreted by Sam Raimi. They’re Ukranian and from the 21st century.

This year, Ireland made the mistake of relying on a turkey puppet to win the contest. I would make a joke about Irish people being drunks, but I don’t want to rely on stereotypes, so instead I’ll just say that it must have seemed like a good idea at the time.

Oh, Spain. I don’t even know what else there is to say about Spain, except that whenever I think of Spain, I think of the movie Talk To Her, when the tiny man walks into the woman’s vagina. Just saying.

I simply have no idea.

I just felt we had to revisit this one.